it feels a little strange getting rid of remnants from that day and timeperiod. it feels a bit as though i'm throwing away my grief. as if it's rubbish and holds no meaning. in a way, i treasure my grief. it connects me to my loss and my loss connects me to all that was and never was in my relationship with my mom. it connects me to a certain history of me and to a certain piece of history.
but 100 years from now, none of that will matter. it's pointless to try to store up relics of either joy or grief, apart from what i carry in my own heart and mind. it all becomes junk that someone at sometime will need to clean out.
or will it? matter, that is. how much of our 'heritage' is worth keeping? passing down? things become junk when they lose their meaning, don't they? we value that which has meaning for us. how connected are we in our joys and griefs?
i threw away that petrified kleenex, and then wished i hadn't. a few days ago, i opened a jewelry box from my childhood (youth, really) on a whim and rediscovered all my 'real' jewelry, my golds that i haven't worn since the 80's. among them, my mom's pendant necklace that she had had made from her wedding band another lifetime ago. i don't even remember her giving it to me. i'm not sure she did. maybe i was given it by the hospital or nursing facility after her first stroke several years ago..? or maybe i've had it as long as when she lived with me in the pasadena house 15 years ago..?
in any case, i took it all out and have been wearing them. they hold meaning of a life lived and somewhat remembered. i still have mixed feelings about the petrified kleenex, but i'm less wishful than when i started this blog back in april. it was bound to be thrown out at some point. the gold necklace, on the other hand, was bound to be reworn.
