fossils of grief

cleaning out my closet, i discovered a near petrified wad of kleenex in one of my jacket pockets. it's been there since may 12, 2006, the day my mom passed away. the jacket and its contents have been hanging in my closet for almost 3 years, along with some other garments that still have uci medical icu stickers on them.

it feels a little strange getting rid of remnants from that day and timeperiod. it feels a bit as though i'm throwing away my grief. as if it's rubbish and holds no meaning.  in a way, i treasure my grief. it connects me to my loss and my loss connects me to all that was and never was in my relationship with my mom. it connects me to a certain history of me and to a certain piece of history. 

but 100 years from now, none of that will matter. it's pointless to try to store up relics of either joy or grief, apart from what i carry in my own heart and mind. it all becomes junk that someone at sometime will need to clean out.

or will it? matter, that is. how much of our 'heritage' is worth keeping? passing down? things become junk when they lose their meaning, don't they? we value that which has meaning for us. how connected are we in our joys and griefs?

i threw away that petrified kleenex, and then wished i hadn't. a few days ago, i opened a jewelry box from my childhood (youth, really) on a whim and rediscovered all my 'real' jewelry, my golds that i haven't worn since the 80's. among them, my mom's pendant necklace that she had had made from her wedding band another lifetime ago. i don't even remember her giving it to me. i'm not sure she did. maybe i was given it by the hospital or nursing facility after her first stroke several years ago..? or maybe i've had it as long as when she lived with me in the pasadena house 15 years ago..? 

in any case, i took it all out and have been wearing them. they hold meaning of a life lived and somewhat remembered. i still have mixed feelings about the petrified kleenex, but i'm less wishful than when i started this blog back in april. it was bound to be thrown out at some point. the gold necklace, on the other hand, was bound to be reworn.

the big picture

wow, it's been a yr since my last entry!

time may fly when you're having fun, but it vanishes into thin air when you're not paying attention.

kudos to jooyoungee for giving me something to blog about.

we were at dad's after oppa's bday lunch, working on one of his jigsaw puzzles, all of us bent over the table, searching for any piece that would connect to other pieces that would complete the coming picture. as we kept referring to the box that showed the completed scenery, jooyoung remarked, 'all we can see is the big picture.'

all we can see is the big picture.

sometimes we live life only seeing the big picture, unable to connect the smaller pieces that actually makeup the big picture. we get lost in the chaos of all the disconnectedness, too impatient to take the time to organize and find the pieces that fit. 

and connecting the pieces isn't always sequential. as a matter of fact, it's rarely sequential. you find a piece that fits over here, then another that fits over there, and yet another that fits elsewhere. it's only as you persevere to the end that the different sections start to come together, and the missing piece isn't somewhere else still missing, but already a part of the big picture.

everyone knows that the smart way to finish a puzzle is to start w/the edges. figure out what the boundaries are and work within the framework. while this is true for puzzles, life's big picture may not have boundaries clearly marked out. then you do the next best thing: start w/the obvious. it narrows your search for the pieces that are harder to piece together.

those that really seek a challenge dump the pieces on the table and throw out the box w/o seeing the big picture. they may not know what they're in for, and they may not even like the finished product. it's the process that intrigues them, the challenge that drives them.

me, i like the togetherness of puzzles. that the outs and ins fit and belong to another that's likewise connected to another and another and another, creating the tapestry of a bigger picture. i like it that even just one missing piece ruins the whole picture. and i like that while the pieces are all so similar and seemingly indistinguishable, each has its own place for which no other piece can substitute.

and i like the togetherness of working on a puzzle w/others. that the piece i'm holding is the one that fits into the one you're holding and that the picture is made more complete when we both lay down our pieces...

compassion vs. pity

compassion: extending generosity of spirit despite the other's circumstances

pity: extending generosity of spirit because of the other's circumstances

don't go changin...tryin to please me... we never would have come this far... mmm~mmm~mmm...

it's been about a year since i stopped crying everyday and about a month since i stopped crying every sunday. it's been a yr and a half since i let go of my mom's hand at the hospital and i feel like i'm just starting to come out of the first hell of grief.

it's been about 5 months since i first felt the inkling of change in my life, or more specifically, saw a new 'path' before me. whatever that was...

it's been 4 months since joining eh, a huge change...

it's been 1 month since leaving my home church of nearly 30yrs, to explore this 'change.'

i'm giving away the things that i've collected over the years and am paring down to the things i'm willing to pay to keep.

change: make or become different. alter.

the pastor of the church i visited this month said a curious thing. he said that we all experience a season of change in the middle of our lives. most commonly known as the midlife crisis. but what that change consists of is the shift from the external journey to an internal journey. meaning, the first half of our lives is spent primarily on building our external lives: education, marriage/family, career and home. once that's settled, the second half of our lives is then primarily focused on building the internal life, of mind, heart and soul. or at least should be anyway. many often go astray, in mistaking the shift from external to internal to one that is external to another external. in order to continue on the path of wisdom and maturity, one must recognize this shift w/the right perspective. otherwise, we simply end up running on a hamster wheel...

how am i to seek this internal journey?

in some ways, or maybe in a lot of ways, i actually feel as though i've done the opposite. that i've been focusing on the internal and have let the external things of life just 'collect' over the years. in some ways, i feel as though i'm waking up to the part of life that IS external and recognizing it and giving it due diligence. intentionally. for once.

hmm. that's food for thought...

final destination...??

saw my mom in my dream last nite.
dreamt we were going to korea, or rather, had landed in korea, at the airport which was supposed to be incheon.
we were outside the baggage claim, in line for a bus to take us to the city.
the line was made up of all old people, as if we had joined a senior citizens group tour.
my mom was wearing all black, and she was younger, like in her late forties or early 50's, w/a full, wavy set of black hair.
it was cold, or at least, my mom was shivering, so i wrapped my new shawl bennie bought me from thailand around her shoulders. saying that it's thin, but was surprisingly warm, so the dream was set in real lifetime.
i had gotten her bags and was depositing them in the underside of the bus when i realized that i'd forgotten to retrieve my bag (the black rolling backpack that i always carry on trips) from the carousel, so i ran back to baggage claim to get it.
the man at the entrance gave me a bit of a hard time, but let me go upon pleading w/him, and i ran to the carousel to search for my bag...

and that's where the dream sort of fades...

i didn't fully awake after i had the dream...i went onto other dreams. but even then, my mind was still thinking about the dream and what it could mean. the first thought that came to my mind was that maybe i'm headed for my final destination sooner than i think. maybe that's the 'change' in my life that i've been sensing.

i woke up w/both the dream and the possible interpretation in my mind.

MAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!!!!!!!!!

i'm !@#$%&! mad!!!!
my !@#$%&! !@#$%&! of a sister in law calls me in the middle of the nite to leave me a freaking msg about NOTHING! and now i can't go back to sleep.

i'm not upset over the sleeplessness. i've had other sleepless nites. i'm feeling utter anger over my NONFAMILY.

my !@#$%&! of a dad just can't appreciate the family that he's got. he complains about giving money to his !@#$%&! grandkids. SO DON'T GIVE EM ANY!! he complains that his kids don't visit enough. and then when they do, he cancels on ME and complains. !@#$%&!!!

my !@#$%&! brother comes to town and calls everyone and their grandmother but his own sister. even comes to my church and doesn't bother to let me know. !@#$%&! EM ALL.

my sister in laws are either too !@#$%&! self-absorbed, self-pitying or self-glorifying to have any amount of decent conversation.

i exist apart from a family.
and my nonattempts at finding my own are so pathetic i can puke.
!@#$%&! it. i'm living my life.

sad...

sad is an awfully short word for an interminably long emotion.
horatio spafford phrased it effectively, 'when sorrows like sea billows roll...'
sometimes they're as turbulent as stormy waves, and other times as subdued as bare ripples lapping on the shore.
but as constant as the ocean, with varying depths, and unyielding unpredictability.

sad is an incredibly simple word for an unfathomably complex emotion.
the psalmist concurred, 'be merciful to me, O LORD, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and my body with grief...'
it's emotion oozing out physiologically. shortness of breath, vision delay, restless sleep, depleted energy, overwhelming fatigue, irritability, sore muscles, sore gums, bruises, blisters, fevers, aches, just to name the few that can be named...